We are constantly asking questions of one another. It’s so natural a part of human interaction, we hardly realize it. We need information to understand, so we ask. But certain kinds of questions elicit better responses than others. I’ve taken to asking people more directly which kinds of questions work best for them. Read More
I’ve always talked a lot. Those who knew me as a young child tell stories about how much I loved to talk. When you’re a cute, curly haired three-year old it can be delightful. My son talked a lot, too, and his daughter probably talks more than both of us combined.
Fortunately, when I was a novice counselor, I was exposed to some master listeners who impressed on me the importance of quieting down. As a counselor you must understand the other person in some depth before you can have much to say. Understanding does not occur by talking a lot, nor does it happen easily or quickly. I’m not advocating that day to day interaction be based on counseling principles. But, I am advocating for more listening. Read More
“Jeff, wouldn’t it be great to take a trip to Italy to see all that magnificent art?”
“Jamie, you know we can’t afford that. You’re always coming up with these expensive ideas that are way out of line with our budget.”
I’ve heard this conversation in various forms at least five hundred times in the past 30 years. It’s the type that goes nowhere, resulting in bad feelings between the two parties. Read More
Interpersonal conflict is often perpetuated by each person trying to convince the other: “I’m right, you’re wrong.”
I’m right, you’re wrong — at first glance this looks like a win/lose proposition, but actually it’s a lose/lose. I’m pretty certain I’ve said to every single couple I’ve ever counseled, “You’re both trying very hard to convince each other that you are right.” Followed by, “When you find yourself in convincing mode, stop the conversation. It’s not going anywhere.” In the counseling office this seems obvious. In the heat of conflict it’s easy to lose sight of this truth. Read More