Thinking Out Loud

Change is tricky business, especially when it comes to relationships. First, there’s a challenge involved—acceptance, which is about a sober recognition of the way things really are. Acceptance is not acquiescence, but it is a starting point for “real” change. Without acceptance we tend to watch and wait for the other person to do the changing, and when they don’t it fuels our inclination to blame them . . . and blame, of course, does not encourage collaboration toward solutions or resolution. Read More

Epiphanies, those moments of absolute clarity where we experience knowing viscerally, capture our attention like nothing else. Yet in the moment the feeling can almost seem unreal or surreal—“Is this really happening?” we ask ourselves rhetorically. These moments are few and far between and we wonder how it just happened. Of course there is no answer to that question because a variety of experiences converge over time that contribute to the new found awareness. We savor these moments, yet on the heels of this new awareness we ask, “Now what?” Read More

“I’m not sure how to describe it, but something shifted.” That statement is the most consistent description used by people in counseling to describe a positive change. Something shifted signifies movement, not resolution—as in fixing or settling an issue. When something shifts internally, perspective changes and whatever shifted is no longer stuck. When we are stuck, some of our troubling behavior and/or feelings operate on automatic pilot. We repeat self-defeating behavior patterns that drive us nuts. But until something shifts, we continue to operate in a way that contributes to our unhappiness with ourselves, although often that unhappiness is projected onto outside sources. Read More

Many couples in turmoil find themselves waiting for change—more accurately—waiting for the other person to change. This is a dangerous, though understandable tactic. Here are some of the reasons why it occurs:

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