Thinking Out Loud

Revisiting—a critical communication skill

When communication breaks down, you must try to fix it; but when things go badly, it is very difficult to go back and risk the same breakdown. If you revisit the problem at hand, you must be prepared to do something different. Too often, the revisiting is done by restating what you already said, which will likely result in the other party restating what they already said. Then, it’s strike two. Read More

Holding the Other in Trust

For real communication to take place in an intimate friendship or love relationship, there must be trust. Trust is one of those states that we experience—we must be able to trust and the other must demonstrate trustworthiness. So what does it mean “to be able to trust” and to “demonstrate trustworthiness”? Read More


We spend a good deal of time in our lives watching and waiting for the opportunity to do or say something. In our intimate, relational worlds this is especially true.

We want to say something of importance to our partner. Is it a good time? Is the other person in the right frame of mind? Will I be able to say exactly what I want to? Maybe the other person will say or do something soon that will offer me an opportunity to act. These types of watching and waiting questions take up more internal space than we often recognize. Read More

It Takes Time And A plan

Wanting change and initiating change are two related but separate experiences. Wanting is an internal experience, initiating is external. So often in relationships we want it to feel and be different, not realizing that while altering intentions and attitudes can help, you still need to do something differently. Behavior has a sticky habit of remaining the same, despite good intentions. Read More